Today is a school day and I’m terrified. What if Jeremy was not there? What if something happened to him on his way to school? What if..? I would like two words on my tombstone: ‘What if?’. What if my parents didn’t die that day? What if I wasn’t cursed? Would my life be very different? Or would it be the same? ‘What if’ are the words that keep me going. I even have them tattooed on my arm.
When I get to school, the first person I’m looking for in the crowd is Jer. One short moment I’m panicked, but when I see him walking towards me, the panic starts to calm down a bit. I do see some very interesting scenario’s playing in my head. Him, collapsing or getting hit by some random car or even a plane. But he comes over and gives me a kiss.
The rest of the day was just a normal day. I followed some classes, had lunch with Jeremy and followed some more classes. After school, Jer and I went to the beach in his car where we talked and kissed some more. Around dinner time he dropped me off at this big mansion, not far from the orphanage and as far as he knows, I live there.
I can’t tell him the truth, not yet. If he knows the truth, he would get to know me, the real me and maybe even fall in love with me. And then he would die. So I keep feeding him these little lies. He can’t fall in love with the real me that way. It’s a defence meganism I’m testing, if it works, Jer will live. For now he has survived 46 days, 47 days if you count today. Yes, I’m counting.
Dinner is always quiet. No one talks. I’m with 6 other girls over here and every single one of them is on their phone during dinner. The house mother doesn’t care. She only cares about the money she gets for ‘taking care of us’. So she won’t even eat with us. She puts the dinner on the table and walks away to her own quarters, where she can dine in peace and quiet. Most of the time, that is my cue. I go up to my room and finish my dinner there. Tonight I didn’t and maybe that was the wrong choice to make.
This girl, Hannah, is new to this home and only twelve years old. Since I’m the only one who doesn’t reside to her Smartphone, Hannah starts talking to me about everything she’d done today and all the new friends she’d made. I just listened and did not respond much. It is the best thing to do when you don’t want anyone to care. When I’ve emptied my plate, I excused myself and went upstairs. Tonight at seven I’ve got to go and meet my psychiatrist.